...if this is your first night, you have to fight.


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Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Out For a Beer Run...
Be Back Later.

Well Kitten, time to temporarily say goodbye.

Being that I have no idea exactly when the powers-that-be at Commiecast will decide to rudely sever my digital umbillicus (they have wicked itchy trigger-fingers), I'm waving a pre-emptive bye-bye to the remaining three of you.

I'll be too busy packing to post anyway, but hey, sometimes all it took was a shiny new commercial to distract me from that, so, I suppose this was bound to happen.

I hope I'm not down for long, as the idea of e-mail loss, however brief, gives me acute and immediate heartburn. A lot of things do right now.

...Like packing.

Like, ciao.

posted by taiwan_on 'round 11:31 PM#
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Monday, May 17, 2004

I'm Burnin' Up...
...burnin' up from your love.

As the kind folks over at b3ta.com would say...

Jesus Cunting Christ!

On May 14th 2004 this site recieved 4065 hits, breaking the previous record of... ehm... like, 52 or something set in August of 2000-and-who-really-cares-now.

This is due to the posting about that crazy-ass car in Belmont which, much to my disbelief and delight, made issue #135 of the b3ta.com newsletter. Rawk! As if I needed another reason to love the Brits.

I have been in a sort of hell about this, because I discovered the activity late Friday night / Saturday morning just before leaving on a particularly whirlwind weekend and haven't had a chance to post about it until now.

So I'm taking the time to say a godzillion thanks to b3ta.com for the nod and thanks to everyone on the other side of the pond for being sharp enough on their Beatles trivia to explain exactly what that hood ornament is. It's a guard dog belonging to the Blue Meanies of "Yellow Submarine" fame! Aha! I knew it looked familliar! Thanks, guys! There's *no way* I could possibly answer every e-mail that came my way kindly answering my innocent query (there were zillions of them), along with all of the great things people had to say, so I hope this simple thanks will do. It's been at least 20 years since I've seen "Yellow Submarine", so now I know it is high time I get the DVD and refresh my memory of this incredible film.

Also, thanks to Backwash for letting me know I made the Backwash Top 40! I suspect my camera will be getting even more of a workout in the days to come as I struggle to find more interesting neighborhood oddities to keep all of my great new visitors entertained. I think once I move into the city, this will be a lot easier. There seems to be a lot going on at all hours of the night in my future new neighborhood, and I look forward to posting all manner fun content; local drag queen spillover from the surrounding nightclubs, post Red Sox games riots from Fenway Park attendees and their resulting car-flippings (god help me if they win the World Series - I'll be picking my belongings out of charred wreckage!), and the injuries from my inevitable first mugging. Yay! Stay tuned!

There has been a lot going on in my little corner of the world, and I'm simply dying to recount it all, but because things have been so action-packed as of late, I simply don't have the energy left to write about it all tonight. But I promise, unlike a few of my emptier promises as of late, to swing in tomorrow to make you laugh, cry, and probably snore with boredom.

In the meantime, wish me luck, as I am waiting to hear back from a potential new employer about a potential new job that pays enough to ensure that I will not become half-starved road-kill in the Big City!

'Till then, this sleepy adventurer is off to devour the rest of the updates at b3ta.com and reflect on her recent good fortune.

Cheers one and all!

posted by taiwan_on 'round 10:30 PM#
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Friday, May 14, 2004

It's such a perfect day...
I'm glad I spent it with you...

About a week ago, I learned that there was a very cool bedroom opening up in the apartment of a very cool friend in a very cool part of downtown Boston at a very cool price.

So I'm moving.

I don't care that the rent & bills amount to nearly 3/4 of my monthly income, I make shit wages, no secret there. But when a spacious pad in the most expensive city in the known universe with high ceilings and low overhead comes your way, you don't ask "how high?", you JUMP, beeotch.

I've spent no time trying to convince myself that this is not one of my bigger crackpot schemes, because I already know it is. It's utter insanity. I've figured it all out to the last dime and "hand to mouth" is a generous estimation of how I'll be living until I can find better employment.

This is part of the reason I am moving. There are no jobs with a future for me in the suburbs. Go north, young(ish) slackass. Get thee behind me South Shore, and all that. I have to get out of here if I ever want to see a paycheck that begins with something higher than a two if its only going to be three digits long. I don't fucking ask for much. I mean, I'm no Gordon Gecko over here.

It's kind of ironic when you consider that this paltry paycheck has been enough to give me somewhat of a disposable income. And by that I mean enough for the occasional lip gloss, cigarettes, the very occasional eighth, 2 meals at one of my 4 or 5 favorite restaurants on the weekend with Boyfriend, a drink or two at a rock show, the price of a movie ticket now and then, or, my favorite addiction; DVDs. Now I'll be lucky if I can afford 2.5 meals a day for a whole week. And I'll fucking have to quit smoking to even afford that! Not good. But temporary.

Sure, I could continue to linger here, under the protective wings of mum and dad who have been kind enough to provide luxurious appointments in exchange for my meager rent offerings (I'll be paying around $200 more a month to live in the city, which is just enough to scare me considering what I make). In fact, why wouldn't anyone in their right mind? What kind of a fool am I?

I have a pretty sweet deal here; a regular free laundry service, a hot meal waiting after work, a coffee pot that seems forever brewing; a sort of mythical magic coffee pot always ready to fill my greedy cup, whatever the hour, gorgeously landscaped property complete with bubbling waterfall garden to relax in, someone always home to bitch to, or whine to, or relate a funny story to and the television providing a constant, friendly, oddly comforting white noise even if I can't be bothered to watch it.

I'm remembering this one Friday in particular last spring, where I concocted a ficticious dental appointment a week in advance to get out of work early. I was amazed at my luck because it was one of the first unseasonably warm days and everything was in full bloom and I had the whole weekend ahead of me. I trotted home from the bus stop feeling an uncharacteristic love for my neighborhood. Lawns had just been mown, lilacs were bursting to frothy purple life, laundry was being done in at least 2 of the homes I passed judging from the April-fresh emissions of dryer vents, and squirrels and birds were cavorting all 'round. It was all I could do not to skip the whole way. Part of it was the thrill of illicit escape from the misery of my job, part of it was the afternoon nap I promised myself when I got in and after I had opened all my bedroom windows, and part of it was just the lusty humid breath of spring panting all over me, but I was, frankly, euphoric. And as I rounded the corner and swooned my way up my street, something amazing weaved itself into the symphony of beautiful fragrance that was the world that one, perfect, day...

Chocolate!

As I drew closer, I realized that that heavenly note was coming from my house, and singing along with it, in perfect harmony, was the oily rich darkenss of fresh-brewed coffee. Yes, dear Kitten, mom was baking me home-made brownies and making coffee to wash it down with, and to try to explain the simple happiness I felt on that day would be impossible. I just know I'll always remember it.

Mom was baking brownies for me, and the whole neighborhood smelled like childhood and all was right with the world. And I ate brownies with mom at the kitchen table, and we drank coffee and I asked "How can you watch this crap?!" of the one soap opera my mother has an inexplicable loyalty to, a woman who is so far above soap operas that it's simply absurd that she watches the dumbest one of all. And she laughs and says; "It's just the only thing on when I stop to eat lunch, so I'm sucked in now." and we rage at the audacity of the writers together.

And afterwards I stretch out on top of my bed, no need for a blanket in the heat, with spring breezing lazily in through my windows and nap with my favorite cat curled against the curl of my body. The cat that watches movies with me so intently in the wee hours that I laugh as her head jerks to follow car chases and gunfire, and that makes her startle, "takes her out of the movie" as we say. I nap with some indie flick on Sundance playing low on my television, and the dialogue works its way into my subconscious and I end up dreaming one of the greatest movies ever which I wake and remember in pinpoint detail.

I can't remember what we had for dinner that night, I only remember making my dad laugh really hard which thrilled me because my dad is a funny guy; king of the priceless, deadpan one-liner. The girls I went to high school with still quote his greatest (usually curse-punctuated) hits verbatim whenever I see them. Both my parents, in fact, are funny, and making them laugh is one of my great nerdy joys.

And then I packed my little "trollup bag" as my mom calls it, to spend the weekend with Boyfriend where I could lounge with him on the couch showing him another of my favorite movies until it was time for bed and we could wind around each other with boa constrictor intimacy and sigh in the knowledge that we are the greatest cuddlers ever to rule the earth. And all the while, home was always there waiting for me to come back; my other home, that is.

That luxurious day is so perfectly indicitive of the double life I lead. I am neither a child, nor an adult in either one. And I don't especially want to grow up, but I suppose I have to. I was waiting around for "the right opportunity", and now its come. I know them when I see them, I have always followed them, and they have gifted me with unexpected rewards.

I am leaving behind so many precious things; mom and dad laughing over dinner, bottomless cups of coffee, brownies, famillial support, a weird, cuddly cat that admires my taste in movies and thinks the stars shine for me, a cat that falls over herself with glee whenever I come home from work or the weekend, a fridge full of my favorite expensive treats that I could just about afford to buy, the ability to fulfil most of my latest DVD release desires, and a million other little things that make up home for me. I am trading them in for access to better bookstores and cultural exploits that, ironically, I won't be able to afford. At least at first.

But I am also trading them in for things like the coolest roommate ever, H-bomb, who makes me laugh so hard sometimes I have to cross my legs for fear that I'll piss myself. Things like bikepaths for my poor, under-used bike to run free on. Things like closer proximity to Boyfriend who will get to know me in new and exciting ways if for no other reason than I will finally be able to unpack all my millions of books, which have been, as long as I've known him, penned up in storage boxes in my too-small bedroom in my family's house. And I will, every once in awhile, grit my teeth and say "okay, you win, dinner's on you" and get to watch his face light up with glee at least a few times before the novelty wears off.

And I will brew coffee...lots of coffee...coffee at all hours...coffee all day and night...just like Mom's diner...open 24 hours. And my cup shall runneth over!

Y'know...if I can afford coffee.


posted by taiwan_on 'round 1:59 AM#
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Sunday, May 09, 2004

Best. Ride. Ever.
Finally, a car cool enough to make me wish I had a license!

So, Boyfriend and I are driving home, on our way to spend Mother's Day with our respective mums, and as we pass Mt. Auburn cemetery, I spot this and scream;

"FUCK! PULL OVER! PULL OVER!!"

I leap from the car, camera in tow, and proceed to snap some pix of what can only be described as true motor majesty...

what the-?

Notice in this next pic, the black car in the upper left-ish corner gets so excited it spontaneously shits a kiddie pool!

screeeeeeeech! Bbbbbblt!

Let's get a little closer, shall we?

chicken mcnuggets rockin' in the window

(Special note to Gummi on that last pic: notice the trio of chicken McNuggets chillin' in the backseat passenger-side window? Rawk!)

In case your head has exploded from the sheer vehicular greatness of this car and you need it explained to you, the entire roof of this blue Ford is covered in toy vinyl figures glued on from various "free with purchase of fast food" giveaways. This makes it the Greatest Car That Has Ever Lived. Period.

Here's a few more detail shots...

Jesus...

Notice Quasimodo holding the antenna in this next one!

Harold...

In this next one, Sully from Monsters INC is all like "Hey homies!"

Christ...

Note Dr. Evil in the top left of the next picture. Heh.

...on a cracker!

And is this not the best hood ornament you have ever seen?! Looks like something out of "Spike & Mike's Sick & Twisted" (only in town until May 22nd! See it!). Anyone know what this is from?
(5/17/04 EDIT: Much thanks to everyone who e-mailed me telling me that this is a Blue Meanies guard dog from the film "Yellow Submarine"! There are even more thanks to be had with this recent post.)

bow-wow-wow-yippie-o-yippie-a 4-headed dog is in the motherfuckin' hizzouse!

I also snapped a shot of the FAQ that the driver kindly posted in the window for all your "WTF?!" needs. Here's a transcription.

WHAT THE HECK?!
(Some F.A.Q.s about this car. Pick your favorite answer!)

a.) I was sick of stepping on the toys in my kids' room.
b.) I wanted to make a statement regarding the commercialization of "art".
c.) I own stock in Burger King and MacD's.
d.) I wanted a way to find my car in a crowded parking lot.
e.) I wanted to give my kids another reason to cringe with embarrassment!

Where did you get them? Most of these came from fast food places, but we get them from tag sales, 5 & 10 cent stores, and friends as well.
How do you go through a car wash? I dont!
How are they stuck on? We used a glue called "Goop".
Have any of them ever come off? Only the ones stuck on with a different kind of glue!
Is this legal? So far I haven't had any problems, and it just passed inspection!
Do you take donations? Sure! Just toss them on the dashboard! And THANKS!

Very informative, no? And I must concur, "Goop" is the most amazing glue ever. It's made for art projects as ambitious as this one. That shit holds, like, everything. Many a floppy boot sole has had its dignity restored thanks to Goop.

Funny thing about this car is, it wasn't until I started taking pictures that a crowd began to form around it. You would think this car would have a mob clustered around it 24-7, but as I was snapping away, I heard this "screeeeee" sound and saw a German guy on a bicycle slamming on his brakes. All shitting myself with glee, I turn to him and say, "Isn't this the best thing you've ever seen?!" To which he responds; "Jah!"

So, there you have it. The coolest car that's ever lived. If you're ever in the Belmont area and you see this little gem, stop and check it out. You will not stop smilling for a week. I would have donated a toy, but all I had in my pocket was a red Superball, given to me by Boyfriend. I'll have to look up some of my old toys and start carrying them around with me everywhere.

As we were driving away, I took one longing last glance over my shoulder and saw the driver/artist loading in her groceries. You'd think she'd look like a lunatic, but no, she appeared to be a shining example of sanity. Just a normal, everday mom-type, in fact. Funny, that.

So, happy Mother's day, kooky car lady! You are an inspiration to us all!

posted by taiwan_on 'round 8:16 PM#
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Female/26-30. Lives in United States/Massachusettes/Brockton/North Brockton, speaks English. Spends 20% of daytime online. Uses a Fast (128k-512k) connection. And likes Film/Writing.
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English, Female, 26-30,
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