Friday, January 31, 2003"He Said She's Not Dead..."
she's gone away, gone away he said.
"If your cats are sitting on the floor at your feet while you type at the computer, it’s quite funny to call them your “herd of biscuits.” Let’s forget for a moment that two animals are not really considered a herd…it’s ticklish anyway. Also, if they get in your way and under your feet as you are running down the hall to the bathroom, you might want to demand their hall pass. Chances are they won’t have one, and then they are totally busted."
That's some cool shit, huh? Don't be fooled, though. It's also deliciously acerbic. You can check it out here, which I highly recommend you do.
So, yeah, contrary to the internet rumors and those ugly National Enquirer articles, I am not dead.
I'm sorry for those of you who have just lost office pools of some kind.
And I don't even have a good excuse or anything. Or even a hall pass.
I'm sorry Kitten. All 3 or 4 of you.
Anyway, to help with the constant questions regarding whether or not I've shuffled off this mortal coil, I'll be installing a handy-dandy online death indicator provided by died online dot com.
You think I'm kidding? You just watch.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 1:44 AM#
Thursday, January 09, 2003//taiwan_on slaps kitten with a large trout//
The Art of Trevor Brown
It's not as shocking as you think. So before you go all freaking out and stuff, why not shut up and listen?
posted by taiwan_on 'round 9:17 PM#
If Wishes Were Horses...
there'd be horse shit all over everything I own
I was just thinking...
Wouldn't it be so great if we could just haul off and hit people at work without fear of legal action or concealed firearms? Customers, co-workers, anyone we felt like.
Believe it or not, I'm not talking, like, hurting people or anything, just a good, solid whack.
Specifically I was thinking of that show "In Living Color", remember Homey the Clown? Whenever somebody said or did anything disagreeable to Homey, he'd whip out his big tube sock full of talc or flour or whatever-the-hell and state calmly; "Homey don't play that." and *whump!* go upside their head with it smoking them out in a cloud of white powder.
Yeah. That'd do me just fine.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 9:15 PM#
Thursday, January 02, 2003"I'm not the only one..."
...who likes barcodes
posted by taiwan_on 'round 9:17 PM#
easy as 123...
So today's date was 01-02-03. Fun, that. Frankly I'm a little unnerved by the pleasure I took in discovering that this morning. I know I'm a bit belated, but I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year.
Me? Good and not so good. Got another cold or a flu or some shit. Not good. Feel better than I thought I would today. Good. And celebrated the New Year by christening one of my coolest X-Mas gifts, my Spongebob Squarepants Bikini Bottom Aquarium (from dad. thanks dad!) with a fish! That's good, right? Well...
Fish won't eat. It's the damndest thing. He's a Betta. Y'know, Siamese Fighting Fish? Really hard to pick those bitches out because they're all incredibly beautiful but you can only have one per tank, lest they shred each other. So I struggled and struggled, poring over all those little plastic urine sample cups at Petco, each containing one fish (does this strike anyone else as freaky and cruel?). I found him nestled way in the back, pretty as hell and seemingly feisty enough. I purchased fish and a Gary the snail tank figure to spruce up the decor and keep the Spongebob tank figure company. I also purchased a tiny net, Betta food pellets and Betta Bowl fish and plant supplement and dechlorinator. (actually, mom bought those, insisting that it was part of my gift. she let me pay for the Gary figure, which was nine bucks, because we both agreed that I was an idiot to pay that.) Doesn't need the dechlorinator, mind you, as fish is pimpin' in style with 1.8 gallons of spring water. Now that's a fly crib.
I hook fish up with said crib, decide the bubble wall aerator is just pissing him off (They hail from calm waters, and air pumps make the poor bastards look like they're on treadmills. Plus they breathe air from the surface. Neat, huh?), disconnect the bubble wall, drop in some pellets and chill with my fishy.
He's pretty damn cool, too, as far as fish go. Bettas get very excited and dog-like when you leave the room and come back. They press their little fish faces to the glass and stare at you like; "HEY! Hi! Good ta' see ya'! Missed ya'! Where'd ya' go?!", which I like because I need validation from my pets. I have his tank right on the top shelf of my computer desk, so the whole time I was surfing and checking e-mail and reading Betta fish factoids he's chilling at the front of the tank, staring out at me like; "Hi!...Hi!...Hello!...How's it going?...Hey!...Hi there!...Yoo-hoo!...Hey, it's me!...Over here!...Hi-yee!" fins-a-wavin' and shit. Very cool.
But the fucker won't eat! I dropped in some pellets like, an hour after getting him adjusted to the tank, fished the pellets out again with my little net after they floated uneaten for an hour, dropped in fresh pellets, netted them out again an hour later, even left 3 pellets in overnight hoping he'd get the hungry horrors like I do, 'round 2 AM or so, but no. Fish won't eat. I scooped out the pellets this morning, put in fresh ones, went to work and came home to find a very lethargic fish and the 5 or so pellets I left him still uneaten. Repeat the whole maddening cycle. I'm starting to worry. I've already bonded with this little fucker deeply, so I don't know what to do. Can you force-feed a fish?
The good news is, instead of rushing to the shower right after dinner to wash away the soul-deep filthy feeling working in retail gives me, I eschewed my normal routine and sat at my desk making phonecalls, reading e-mail, and generally finding any other excuses I can think of to sit here like a retard waving to my fish, and he seems a little better for it. He's moving around more, and gazing at me again with that hello look about him, instead of just sitting on Spongebob's face like he was earlier.
Yeah...I probably shouldn't go into that, huh? I think we were both a little embarrassed about it. I really should have knocked first, instead of barging into my room like it was...well, my room or something.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 8:17 PM#