Sunday, October 27, 2002"Taiwan_On Superhero Alter Ego Trading Card - Issue 1 Volume 2"
Superhero Alter-Ego Name: The Retail Avenger
Legend and Lore: After years of ennui and inertia shuffling from one job in the service-industry to another, the, at least outwardly, mild-mannered taiwan_on snaps and becomes the outlaw anti-hero, The Retail Avenger. Patrolling overly-lit aisles strobing madly with seemingly endless blue-light specials, she doles out swift justice to corporate drones and annoying customers in equal, irrational measure.
Superpowers: & Weaponry Getting incredibly pissed off with you at the slightest provocation, or sometimes, none at all. Able to teleport to a designated "smoking area" with a speed and stealth that eludes radar. Capable of maintaining a respectable level of productivity while her mind is completely elsewhere. Ironically-charged "Snark Ray" alienates most co-workers and leaves semi-literate customers with the uncomfortable feeling that someone is "taking the piss out of them". "Earthquaking Sighs" make even the simplest tasks and requests seem like an insurmountable pain in the ass. Right-hand kung-fu choke-hold silences overly-invloved small talk, grievances and excuses. Left-handed "sale slugger" (also known as Lt. Whoopass) able to settle retail disputes with a single "THWACK!" Patented "Extra-Hassle Return Policy" discourages return visits from "serial refunders".
Super-Suit Specifications: Capitalist insignia intended to momentarily stun victims with its overpowering irony, though has rarely been known to succeed. Flowing purple cape, made entirely of "shut the fuck up", deflects moronic questions and unreasonable demands. Most of the time. Excessive use of black fabric found off-putting by shoppers. Utility belt contains worthwhile distractions from actual work; pda, palm pilot, hand-held game console, books, portable DVD player, etc.
Behavior and Vulnerabilities: Cheesy, unnecessary, soft-rock remake of the Waterboy's "Whole of the Moon" played over store sound system known to induce paralyzing fits of disgust. Alternately, Roxy Music's "More Than This" can send her into a maudlin stupor. There seem to be more sightings of the Retail Avenger during the Christmas holiday than any other time of the year.
Motto: "Attention, shoppers! Blue-light special on whoop-ass in aisle five!"
Visit UGO.com to create your own superhero, and stay tuned for more taiwan_on superhero alter-ego trading cards!
posted by taiwan_on 'round 8:16 PM#
"...And Another Thing"
(shouldn't gaining an extra hour's sleep deter this kind of insanity?)
From now on, regardless of the race, gender or the plurality of the readers of this site, I will now be referring to you (only when necessary, of course), collectively (but in a totally personal, individual way), as "Kitten".
Look, don't give me any guff, I just need this, okay?
Alrighty, then. Now that we're all on the same page, stay tuned for this week's installment of my latest "organ grinder's monkey dance", Taiwan_On's Superhero Alter-Ego Trading Cards". I've decided this will be a weekly thing, but however long I'll keep it up depends on when it stops being fun for me.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 2:40 PM#
and the winner is...
I'm not a huge fan of parties, but boyfriend and I went to one this Saturday night. It totally kicked ass. Nice job, Alex.
Of course it was a costume party, which, as the hour got later and later, seemed like a disaster in the making. I was going as a "glampire" and boyfriend was going as my sexy, glam-boy victim. We spent so much time slumming around all day, talking, eating, watching "Velvet Goldmine" to get in glam character and...uhm...doing other stuff, that we ended up getting ready incredibly late. Much madness ensued.
As boyfriend and I jockeyed politely for mirror space, I ended up spending far too much time marvelling over how meticulously he labored over his own make-up. At one point, as he was gingerly applying some navy blue mascara to his bottom lashes, he muttered frustratedly; "separate, goddamn you!" and I couldn't help but laugh. It made putting on my insane silver tinsel false eyelashes all the more impossible. I had to forego the application of my mirror-bright, obscenely long chrome nails altogether. I simply cannot commit to nail glue, you know?
Anyway, I was surprised how saucy boyfriend looked in full glam drag. Pretty sexy stuff. And his glittery, purple lipgloss held up a lot longer than my own lipgloss, which I'd have found vaguely insulting, if he weren't so damn cute. And despite the fact that we didn't hit the road to the party until well after 12:30 AM, there was still plenty of party left to be had. I donned my glittery silver cape, popped in my chrome fangs, which I immediately popped out again just as quickly, and enjoyed the remaining costumed revellers.
Many creative costumes. Alex, the party's hostess, was a damsel in distress, complete with frayed ropes binding her wrists and ankles and a gag dangling around her neck. There was a crazy chef, wearing, of course, a chef's hat and, for some reason, a sparkly blue cape. There was a female Andy Warhol that only broke character when she was smoking on the back porch with the rest of us degenerates. There was easily the best Tinkerbell costume I've ever seen. But the creme de la creme, the tour de force costume of the evening was, get this, a porno plumber.
Tall, lanky guy wearing a plumber's jumpsuit, opened to expose his chest, and rocking a blonde, permed mullet-wig. Dudes, I think I spit my beer out when I saw him. It was fantastic. I wish I'd thought of it. Every time the poor guy had the misfortune to end up in the same room as me, I'd start giggling so hard I'd snort. So, if there are any last minute costume shoppers out there, there's an idea for you. You'll be the belle of the ball, I promise. Everyone will love you. Porno plumber is a guaranteed hit, you have my word on it.
Hmm...what else? Oh! This morning I awoke, despite all my ardent scrubbing when boyfriend and I got back, with the eyelids of my left eye sealed shut by a spot of eyelash glue. Goddamn it, if I get pink-eye from this, I will spank each and every one of you, I swear!
posted by taiwan_on 'round 2:20 PM#
Thursday, October 24, 2002"Selling Out"
taiwan_on panders to the popularity contest
I'll be damned. I never thought it would happen...
You guys made me number one on the DE/NIED list this month!
Thanks guys! *sniff sniff* I think I'm getting emotional here.
Oh, shit, wait...I gotta' put on my "pretend I don't really care face" again.
*AHEM* Do I look suitably disenchanted now?
posted by taiwan_on 'round 9:50 PM#
Monday, October 21, 2002"I Agree..."
anytime is a good time for pie.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 8:51 PM#
can I get some love?
Guess who made number three status on the DE/NIED list?
Number three, dudes? I've never been so high...
...on a topsites list, I mean.
Anyway, if you click the link, I promise you'll be rewarded with a truly obnoxious new banner I made. So vote me in, yo!
P.S. - Mebbe' the banners, mine included, aren't great for O.T.J. (on the job) surfing, so, like, be careful.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 1:08 AM#
Sunday, October 20, 2002"Has He Told You About His Friend Frank?"
...Frank, the giant bunny rabbit?
Guess who's going to carve a Frank the Bunny (from Donnie Darko) pumpkin this year?!
Thanks to goateestyle.com for providing a valuable service to ambitious yet artistically challenged pumpkin carvers of the world. Like me.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 8:44 PM#
"Taiwan_On Superhero Trading Cards Are Here!"
collect them all!
Superhero Alter Ego Name - Atomic Snacker
Superpowers - 1.) Chow-Ring: communications ring pre-programmed with the phone numbers of over 1,000,000 take-out and delivery establishments and able to order in any language according to "craving signals" recieved by the ring. Chow-ring also acts as a GPS, or global positioning system that can track down any currently operating dining establishment, supermarket, or convenience store any hour of any day anywhere in the world. 2.) Snack Pack: Jet powered backpack able to speedily transport Atomic Snacker to any take-out facility that doesn't deliver. Backpack also includes an advanced refridgeration system to keep on-board snacks, condiments and beverages cool, fresh and tasty. 3.) Nuclear Energy: Able to heat or re-heat snacks in a flash! Can also be used to vaporize noisy fellow diners in restaurant settings, or late delivery men when take-out is on the menu. 4.) Super Snacking Jaws: Powerful teeth and jaws can be used to bite through any packaging, even metal, to get at the sweet, sweet snacks inside.
Super-Suit Specifications - "Easy Fitting" pants allow for comfortable waistline expansion. Capelette can be drawn to hide post-snacking paunch. Wrist guards can be used as a napkin in a pinch. Breastplates can be detatched and used as dishware. Stylish pack contains flatware for two, napkins, toothpicks, after-dinner mints, salt, pepper, and other snack-enhancing drygoods. Slip-on shoes can be easily removed for post-snacking "maxin' and relaxin' ".
Warnings and Vulnerabilities - Atomic Snacker can be highly unpredictable and dangerous when hungry. Do not approach! If cornered by Atomic Snacker, throw a snack at her, preferably something from one of the "3 Cs Group"; chocolate, cheese or Chinese, and get away as quickly as possible! Excercise extreme caution near Atomic Snacker when she is feeding. The extension of a hand near her mouth region could result in retracting a bloody stump where once a useful appendage functioned. Take out menus can also be used as a diversionary device when encountered by an unruly Atomic Snacker. The presentation of Japanese food and seafood will immediately win the bearer "ally status". Atomic Snacker does not respond favorably to pretzels, which have been known to trigger the reaction; "What's this shit? Do they have cheese filling?!" While Atomic Snacker is not known to have any food allergies, any dish containing habanero peppers cause gastrointestinal volatility with a power that has been likened to a nuclear accident. If you witness Atomic Snacker ingesting habanero peppers, clear the area and contact athourities immediately.
Motto - "I'll eat pretty much anything you put in front of me."
Visit UGO.com to create your own superhero, and stay tuned for more taiwan_on superhero alter-ego trading cards!
posted by taiwan_on 'round 3:06 AM#
Thursday, October 17, 2002"Ah!"
the justification of all art
"Lend your ears to music, open your eyes to painting, and...stop thinking! Just ask yourself whether the work has enabled you to 'walk about' into a hithero unknown world. If the answer is yes, what more do you want?" -Vasilly Kandinsky (1866-1944)
Fuckin'-A, man. That's what I'm talking about!
posted by taiwan_on 'round 12:58 AM#
Monday, October 14, 2002"Wake Up...I'm Dreaming"
join me in a journey of imaginaaaaaaation.
It's raining. I wish you were here. I wish I could crawl into my bed, with its sheets just like yours, and find you there, waiting for me. We could lay there and listen to the rain and kiss between the lulling "shush" of wet tires outside and just sleep for days. Let's forget about stupid pointless bullshit like "jobs" and "work" and other useless, alien nonsense.
Let's build a treehouse in the woods somewhere! Let's build a treehouse only big enough to hold a king-sized bed, or maybe two king-sized beds pushed close together so we have lots of room. We can declare ourselves a hermitage and set up a pulley system so that nice people will come and drop food off there for us and we can hoist it up whenever we get hungry, and hoist down our dirty laundry and sweaty sheets. Surely there are nice people like that out there, that want to take care of angels.
Yes, we'll just eat and sleep and roll around in our bed in the trees, and when we get too tired to roll around we'll make up stories for each other and rename all the stars. We can sneak into that beautiful, forgotten vacation house just over the hill to take too-long showers and watch tv whenever we want. Nobody will notice, because we are so terribly polite and tidy that it seems as though we were never there. Only a faint smell of fresh skin and roses will linger, and the people will think it is the scent of some charming ghost, and ascribe a long, romantic legend to it.
Let's go now, so the rain will cover our tracks and no one will ever be able to find us! I'll be waiting for you, tonight, in that rosebush that's still somehow in bloom just under your window, smilling up at you, ready to dissappear!
posted by taiwan_on 'round 12:22 AM#
Monday, October 07, 2002"This Just All Up Inya!"
news you can use
I'm with this guy! Although rather than wanking for peace, I'm going to put my own spin on it and wank against terrorism. Hey, it's not like I'm not already doing it anyway, right? It's just now I have a new patriotic purpose. From now on, instead of stifling my moans of pleasure, as I come, I'm going to yell; "Take that, Osama!" Thanks to cruel.com for the link. I like this so much better than the TIPS campaign.
And in other news, I think The Onion should start watching its back. This site is hilarious! Check out bobfromaccounting.com This link brought to you by grimcity.com which also rocks harder than Kix.
Remember Kix? Late 80's one-(almost)-hit-wonder hairband? No? Christ, I'm getting old.
Yes, I did, in fact, take today off from work. I still feel shitty, but not as shitty as I have been feeling. Thanks to all those who have sent love and well-wishes my way.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 4:18 PM#
Saturday, October 05, 2002"Sick Puppy"
Fuck me, I'm sick. Sick, goddamnit. Are ya' feelin' me, dog?
Started before noon on Friday. I felt myself getting a sore throat, but pounded a few shots of "Emergen-C", feeling smug in my immune powers. By four o'clock I was suckin' on a Dimetapp "Get Better Bear" lollipop and my boss was calling me, and I quote, "a big fuckin' baby".
Yeah, we'll see who's crying when I call in on Monday.
Just kidding, I need to save those sick days for days when the only thing I'm sick with is my job.
Anyway, now I'm mouth-breathing and feeling every sore nook and cranny of my swollen throat and my damn nose is already scratched and red from too many honkings. Very fuckin' undignified.
But wait, there's more! Now the bastard has settled in my chest, so smoking is an uncomfortable proposition. It makes me uneasy when I exhale and hear; "Wheeeeeeze". Not good. So no matter how much it pisses me off, I have to ignore the monkey on my back. Y'know, the one in the iron lung that keeps asking me; "Why'd we stop smoking those tasty Marlboros, anyway? Those Winstons are for the birds! I can't even taste the chemicals anymore!"
Ooops! This just in! Just a moment ago I sneezed, and I'm not even going to tell you what happened to my tee shirt. I'll have to burn that, I guess.
And everything tastes the same, which is a real bitch because tonight I had lobster roll and all it tasted like, to me, was roll. I coulda' cried, I tellya'. I also forced myself to go to a cook-out held by some very cool workmates, despite the fact that I fear now her whole block has been cordoned off as some kind of biohazardous hot-zone, thanks to me. The point is, is that I had two different flavors of Pete's Wicked Ale, and couldn't tell the difference between either! That's all kinds of wrong, yo.
I also keep going intermittently deaf, thanks to congestion in my ears. I have to make that stupid yawning face to try and pop them, but that's not working all the time, so mostly I just walk around going; "What?! WHAT?!" and getting pissed because people even bother talking to my hearing-impaired ass at all. I can only do that thing to unclog my ears where I pinch my nose and inflate my sinuses so many times before one of my eyeballs can't take the pressure anymore and goes flying. And that won't be pretty, I assure you.
I hate being sick, you know why? Because it makes me realize what a total pussy I can be. I shuffle around and moan and give everyone within earshot minute-to-minute updates about whatever disgusting affliction is currently bumming me out.
Right now? Public enemy number one? Phlegm. See? And yes, I feel as pathetic as I sound, thank you very much.
I have to get in bed and watch Saturday Night Live now.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 11:56 PM#
Thursday, October 03, 2002"Television, the Drug of the Nation"
you've come a long way, baby.
Watching "Push Nevada" right now.
"I'll lift you to the heavens above"?!
Was that suggested oral sex on prime time television?!
Mercy, Mercy me.
Things ain't what they used to be.
And in other news, can "Scrubs" rock me any harder?!
Damn, that's a funny show.
Sigh. I wanted to watch my "Spongebob Squarepants" Halloween DVD and go to bed early.
Looks like now I'll have to watch my "Spongebob" DVD later and go to bed...well...late.
Must go. Television on. Getting weaker...
posted by taiwan_on 'round 9:37 PM#
Tuesday, October 01, 2002"Required Reading"
Yeah. What He Said.
"They wanted to go for the brass ring and really live the good life," Braxton said. "What they don't seem to get is that the key to living the good life is to avoid that brass ring like the fucking plague."
Read this. It's very uplifting.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 9:08 PM#