Sunday, September 29, 2002"For The Ladies..."
and the people who love them
Heartless Bitches Inc. Yeah, bitch. That's right.
The Clitoris Dot Com. A celebration of all things clitoral. Git down.
(Yeah! Bring on the freaky search engine hits!)
posted by taiwan_on 'round 10:38 PM#
"I Only Wish I Had This"
you are judged by the company you keep
Latest intriguing search string somehow bringing people to my site:
google.yahoo.com/bin/query?=boys wearing bras
If there are any free-spirited fellas that wish to contribute photos of themselves in bras mail me here and I will gladly post them.
Because I'm all about truth in advertising.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 10:28 PM#
your #1 source for the latest (and the classics) in comfort technology
Well, I've learned many things this weekend, here are but a few.
1.) Tea tree oil is my personal beauty savior. It works on a multitude of gnarly skin blemishes, not the least of which is zits. I dabbed one with a cotton swab doused in tea tree oil and watched as the redness dissappeared before my amazed eyes. Later tonight the zit was almost completely gone. Plus, as a side-effect even using it in small doses can cause your bathroom to smell aniseptically blessed.
2.) Pure rosewater swabbed over cheeks gives one a healthy, girly glow. And it smells divine.
3.) "Emergen-C" fizzy drink mix is not only rich in healthy vitamins, electrolytes and minerals, but drunk twice a day makes you look radiant and perky. Look for it in health food stores. It comes in tiny, tote-able single-serve packets so you always have some on hand. Great for the upcoming cold and flu season and still the best hangover cure that I know of out there.
4.) Fruit of the Loom now makes mini boxer briefs for women. Goddamn, these things rock. It is the perfect antidote for that bloody, god-awful crackfloss known as the thong that's all the rage these days. Be a rebel and wear these instead. They feel great, offer smooth, full butt coverage free from wedgies, they don't ride up around the thighs, there are no pinchy leg-elastics, the waistbands don't roll, and they are uber-sexy in a jaunty, boyish way. I finally have a reason now to quit cross-dressing.
You're welcome. ;-)
posted by taiwan_on 'round 9:57 PM#
Saturday, September 28, 2002"Everything's Coming Up Roses"
Okay, so, for like, a year now I have been on a fruitless quest to find my favorite perfume, "Tea Rose". I looked everywhere for it, and was especially bummed I had to go the whole summer without it. Sure, I could have made it easy on myself and looked for it online, but I get a little "instant gratification" about stuff like this, and would have preferred to score it on sale at any of the random shopping establishments I found myself at this year. However, tired of coming up empty-handed again and again, I can only say, god bless the 'net and Scentiments. It was, just to make me feel a little dumber about not cutting to the chase, on sale. And they shipped it, like, wicked-supah-fast, as we say in "Bawstin". I love them. I'm not getting a cut or anything for giving them a shout-out, this is actually an unbiased customer testimonial. Pimpin' ain't easy. Check them out for all of your fragrance needs.
So, in addition to being "clean as a whistle, smellin' like a rose", I have been sitting here very self-satisfied-like and poking things.
1.) Poke The Bunny (thanks "Laughing Boy")
2.) The Bruce Campbell Soundboard ("you didn't used to call me auto-erotic for nothing!" *cackle*)
3.) The Christopher Walken Soundboard
Ahhhh. Good times.
I feel good goddamnit, goooooood. I brought a movie to boyfriend's house Friday night ("A Hard Day's Night"), which we didn't even pretend to want to watch. Just dove right into bed, crawled all over each other for hours and slipped into a blissful easy sleep together. Saturday morning we woke up, languidly explored every extremely lazy sexual position we could think of, possibly inventing a few, ate Boston Creme Pie for breakfast, and giggled naked listening to the Jerky Boys. Then, when his room-mate woke up, boyfriend and I had a contest to see which of us could have the quietest orgasm. I lost. Twice. Whuddafuckinstud.
Fuckin'-A, man. All of this happiness is going to make me soft, I swear.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 11:42 PM#
Wednesday, September 25, 2002"Holy Fuck, Batman!"
When did Meesh link me?!
I cannot understand this, unless it's one of those "this is how not to blog" links.
Some really cool people have been linking me lately, much to my utter fucking confusion, and I think it's my duty to recognize, yes? So, soon, I will post all of the linkage love that I'm aware of, and keep a little sidebar going of these extremely generous people. If one of them is you, and you think I don't know it, please, drop me a line and let me know, and cash in on the appreciation you are (over) due.
One more bit of Meeshness... I have a big, girly crush on her now, and it's all due to this picture.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 12:52 AM#
Tuesday, September 24, 2002"100 Things About Taiwan_On"
way more than anyone needs to know
100 things about taiwan_on
1.) I enjoy nightmares.
2.) I hate having a "job".
3.) I think boys are yummy.
4.) I finally don't give a damn what "other people" think.
5.) I am a "smell addict".
6.) I am extremely passionate.
7.) I never met a book I didn't like. Well, almost never.
8.) I've seen zillions of movies and can tell you about every one of them, regardless of how long ago I saw them.
9.) When I was six, I loved "South of the Border" even more than Disneyworld.
10.) I've never had a driver's license and I'm almost 30.
11.) I am vehemently pro-choice, but refuse to argue about it.
12.) I love to smoke.
13.) I hate that I smoke, but love other smokers.
14.) I'm a sucker for a hard-luck case.
15.) My hairdresser says that I have the worst luck in love of anyone she's ever met. My *hairdresser*, for god's sake!
16.) If there was no other food left to eat in the world but sushi, I'd be happy.
17.) If there was no other food left to eat in the world but lobster, I'd be happy.
18.) If there was no other food left to eat in the world but Lindor Truffles, I'd be dead in a week because I exploded.
19.) If you stabbed me, I'd bleed coffee.
20.) I wish I had a pet wolf.
21.) I can smell storms hours before they hit.
22.) My parents "rawk". I'm not even being sarcastic.
23.) Several people tell me I'm hard to get to know, and that astounds me, because I feel like I wear my heart on my sleeve.
24.) I mix a lethal cosmopolitan.
25.) Enough people have told me that I'm "the best they've ever had" for me to *not* believe a single one of them.
26.) I know how to run reel-to-reel 35mm projection. Like Tyler Durden. ;-)
27.) I can handle power tools with authority.
28.) When I was a kid, I used to wish something would happen to one of my eyes so I could wear a black eye-patch.
29.) I love swimming in the ocean.
30.) Harpsichord is my favorite instrument.
31.) I'd prefer to live noctournally.
32.) If given the choice between Egyptian cotton sheets & tee-shirt sheets, I'd go with the tee shirt sheets. Every time.
33.) I've dated a man ten years younger than me.
34.) I've dated a man ten years older than me.
35.) I've decided age is relative.
36.) Mahler's Symphony No. 6 in A Minor makes me shiver with ecstacy. All "Clockwork Orange" style.
37.) The comic strip "Family Circle" fills me with irrational rage. All "Clockwork Orange" style.
38.) I work in the "service industry", but refuse to serve anyone talking on a cell phone. Seriously, dude, you can shut up for the five seconds it takes to complete a transaction.
39.) Balloons make me squeamish.
40.) I still think vampires are sexy.
41.) I frequently over-rule my better judgement.
42.) Tom Arnold's mere existence makes me angry.
43.) I think breast implants are SO gross.
44.) I "heart" glitter. Not the movie, the sparkly kind you sprinkle on stuff.
45.) I've had a big, girly crush on Tinkerbell since I was a kid.
46.) I think Steve Buscemi is a total babe.
47.) I sometimes eat sardines for breakfast.
48.) I accidentally started a small campfire on a table in a McDonald's once. Nobody noticed.
49.) My friends and I "kidnapped" a strange, adorable boy from a nightclub one night.
50.) I've played strip poker far too many times to ever be considered "ladylike" again.
51.) I often wish I was half as cool as Bryan Ferry.
52.) If I could only sleep with one famous person, one time, it would be Ewan Mcgregor.
53.) If I ever ran into O.J. Simpson on the street, I'd happily get myself killed trying to sucker-punch his stupid ass.
54.) I wish there would be a revival of the early 70's "Glam Rock" era. Even if only fashion and attitude wise.
55.) Skinny, effete boys in eyeliner make me crrrrazy!
56.) I dream of someday owning a shower that looks like a waterfall. Or one like the greenhouse shower in the Japanese film "Angel Dust".
57.) I wish it would rain every night.
58.) I someday want to back-float in Mono Lake, under a full moon. Naked.
59.) My dream car is a circa 1930's Nash Lafayette. Matte black.
60.) My other dream car is a Cadillac hearse.
61.) I love wearing garter belts.
62.) I can't stand wearing bras.
63.) I wish I was that 1920's "flapper" kind of cool.
64.) I want to write and/or direct films.
65.) I wish I could speak fluent Japanese.
66.) I wish I knew sign language.
67.) I logged 100 miles on my 1st bicycle's odometer before I was allowed to ride it further than just around the block.
68.) Every year, around early October, I have anxiety dreams about Halloween coming and not having a costume. Still.
69.) The number 69 still makes me blush.
70.) I think Henry Miller is the most important American author that ever lived.
71.) I'd rather watch someone's head explode than see them puke.
72.) The writer that influenced me the most is Joe Frank.
73.) I think thong underwear is an evil akin to high-heels and female circumcision. I think anyone who insists they're comfortable is suspect.
74.) When I was in grade school, I wanted to be a dolphin trainer when I grew up.
75.) When I was in high school, I wanted to work in a sleep lab studying sleep disorders & dreams when I grew up.
76.) I'm pretty much grown up now, and I still don't know what I want to be.
77.) I own exactly one vibrator, and buying it made me feel like a sexy outlaw totally in control of my own pleasure.
78.) I *love* shopping for condoms.
79.) I feel it is my destiny to rescue every wounded bird, homeless cat and lost dog that crosses my path.
80.) I think "calling in sick" is the bee's knees.
81.) I have never used "but I was *so* drunk..." as an excuse, and I can't stand it when other people do.
82.) I have never cheated on a lover. Wouldn't dream of it.
83.) I think that recreational drugs have done some good things, too.
84.) I enjoy being scared.
85.) Dale Chihuly is my favorite American artist.
86.) I think I'm a little "fetishy" about gloves.
87.) My favorite perfumes are rose-based.
88.) I sculpt.
89.) I really wish I could draw.
90.) I love books and films about brilliant, gifted people who are what society would deem "losers".
91.) I can sweep any "Jeopardy" category that involves movies, vocabulary, or pop culture, but I have the geographical knowledge of a two year old.
92.) I like to spend a lot of time alone.
93.) Damn, I love sex.
94.) I'd like to build my own cozy little stone cottage in the woods someday.
95.) I wish money were no object.
96.) I rarely wear much makeup, but buy it far too often for my own good.
97.) I often sleep naked.
98.) I love stuff that glows in the dark. I have at least a thousand tiny, glow in the dark stars on my ceilling.
99.) I like to browse perfumeries, tea shops, bakeries, bookstores and florists just for the olfactory joys alone.
100.) I am a very reluctant grown-up.
To join in on the "100 Things About 100 Bloggers in 100 Days" fun, visit the Yankee Blogger.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 9:02 PM#
"I'm In Heaven..."
with my boyfriend. my lucky boyfriend.
I'm so blissed-out these days, I'm embarrassed to be in my own company sometimes. (see bad prose below)
Seriously, everything is so fahckin' groovy it's making me a little bit nervous. I'm not sure who knows and who doesn't, but I recently made the informed descision to kick a very solid and cool friendship of over a year up to a romantic level. This may have been one of the most uncharacteristically intelligent ideas I've had in years.
When it comes to relationships, I'm all about the "lover". (pronounced: luv-ahh.) Most of my romances have been based almost solely on some instant animal chemistry and little else. Regardless of just how physical the whole thing gets, it's always lust first, ask questions later. In it's own insane way, this system has always worked for me. I'm not saying it's worked in any really "functional", "meaningful" or...uh..."growth oriented" way, but it's more or less served its purpose as far as I'm concerned.
I've always been very accepting of the fact that I have, what some might consider, (myself included) an unhealthy attitude regarding relationships. I prefer them rare, short, sweet, and with as little emotional heavy artillery as possible. I'm not saying that I don't emotionally "share" with my luv-ahhs, I'm just saying that I usually share post-coitus, and in small doses at that.
If I get to be friends first with someone, the clock is ticking on the lustometer. If there isn't some mutual nudity revealed after a certain point, then there never will be. It's crazy, I know, but my mindset turns into; "oh shit, you now know way too much about me to ever see me naked."
It's taken me years to pinpoint the origins of this stupidity, but I think I've got it nailed down. It's not that I consider myself unworthy, or have self-esteem issues, as some might gather from that distorted philosophy. Really, after almost thirty years of dealing with me, I finally like who I am, and I'm not afraid to share the whole wacky package with someone. And I think I'm also finally able to not take it personally if someone wants a refund. But the thing I'm really afraid of is this. When someone gets to know you, really know you, then they know exactly all the right buttons to push to destroy you. Now, that, in itself doesn't freak me out. God knows I've been raized by some real emotional demolition experts. Quite a few times, actually. And therein lies the problem.
How many times can you be really and truly shanked in the heart before all the scar tissue makes you invulnerable? I'm not talking that good, rightgeous, stand-on-my-own-two-feet, thanks-for-everything-Gloria-Gaynor-I-will-survive invulnerable, I mean that apathetic, confirm-what-I-already-knew, yep-people-suck, oh-fine-who-gives-a-fuck-anyway? invulnerable.
Goddamnit, I want to be euphoric, I want to be excited, I want to wonder how you really feel about me, and damned if I don't really, really want to hurt if it all goes horribly wrong. And I want to be scared to do it again so that next time, I give it some real introspective thought.
So, yeah, considering how many times my emotional devastation ticket's been punched, I'm getting a little reluctant about sharing anything "in depth" with anyone these days.
Also, I have this really nutty idea, and thankfully I'm in a position right now to see just how nutty and wrong this idea really is, that true passion can't be found in a good, kindhearted, emotionally stable human being. I'm a big champion of hard-luck cases, substance abusers, assholes, angry people and the mentally ill, because, well, have you ever fucked anyone that fits any of these profiles? Jesus. I mean... Jesus. That kind of sex can only be compensation for all of the bullshit you have to put up with.
Or so I thought.
Turns out I was wrong. Emotionally healthy, normal, productive, very cool people can also rock in the sack. Or at least, I know one that can. And I've got him. He may be the last one on earth, I think. Mmm, lucky me. :-)
Which brings me to my next revalation... I have a... a... boyfriend. I can't even remember the last time I said that with any athourity, and it still strikes me as weird. It's always been; "the situation", "the guy I'm seeing", "that crush", "that thang I have going on" or, of course "the luv-ahh", but I haven't, in a really long time, said "boyfriend" without feeling a little funny about it. Now I say boyfriend and it's all good. And if I do feel funny about saying it now, then it's "funny" in a completely different way, ifya' know what I mean.
I'll be damned. I have a boyfriend!
posted by taiwan_on 'round 12:36 AM#
Monday, September 23, 2002"Waiting For The Miracle"
...for the miracle to come.
Oh no. Too terrible. In the harsh light of day, that prose was just too awful to live. It had to die.
You know how I feel, dontcha' babe?
posted by taiwan_on 'round 8:57 PM#
Monday, September 16, 2002"taiwanon.com"
not too hot for China
I just learned from this thing that taiwanon.com is not banned in China.
*whew* That's a relief, huh?
(Number of currently reported visitors to taiwanon.com from China: 0. But still...)
Thanks to fiendish plot, which posted this link in the first place.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 1:30 PM#
Sunday, September 15, 2002"How Did You Find Out About Us?"
Checking my referrer logs, I came across this interesting search string that brought someone to this site...
http://google.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=dog collar slave control rules tied&b=201&hc=0&hs=0&xargs=
posted by taiwan_on 'round 12:55 AM#
Monday, September 09, 2002"Because I Got High"
I was gonna write a post
but then I got high.
About a band that is "the most"
but then I got high.
Now I'm screwing off
and I know why.
Because I got high.
Because I got high.
Because I got high.
Oh. My. God.
I did not just bust out with that.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 9:05 PM#
Monday, September 02, 2002"Piece of Meat"
Todays post is about objectification.
I'd like to take time out to celebrate this moment in history where the objectification of men is widely accepted. It's pretty clear from this page that I've been objectifying men on this site for years, but it's only fair to admit that I have been objectifying men my whole life.
I also, like everyone else in the world, regardless of race, gender or persuasion, objectify women. But that's a post for another day.
Hmm. How many times can I say "objectify" in this post? Objectify. Objectify. Objectify.
Yeah, that's right boys, I'm watching you and assessing you. I'm judging you. I'm comparing you. I'm hoping you'll do a neat trick. I'm thinking filthy, filthy things.
And yeah, sure, I hear ya', objectification can suck. It makes us all try to impose impossible physical standards on ourselves which in turn can lead to feelings of inadequacy. Okay. Okay. And don't you just hate it, girls, when you're walking down the street and some terminal wally honks or yells out the window at you? I don't know about you, but I always jump when that happens because I fucking hate to be startled. It pisses me off and it's gotten so now, the middle finger reaction is an involuntary response.
But it might make you feel a little better when I tell you it goes the other way too.
Just the other day, on my way to work, I spotted a rather fit and fetching young construction worker waiting at the bus stop. As I walked up the street I found myself almost thoughtlessly sizing him up. Not in any "I'd like to meet this guy" sense. I'm useless in the morning. But just as a pleasant diversion along my route. All of a sudden, a car comes barrelling by; HONK! HONK! HONK! and a woman shouts; "Hey Bay-Beeeee!"
Well, this poor guy was so startled that his manly hand lurched up and he spilled coffee all over his arm. (oh relax, he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt!) I couldn't help but laugh, and I'm sorry fellas, but my first thought was; "Yeeeaaaah... How's it feel, bitch? Sucks, huh?" But then I found myself feeling weirdly sympathetic. How does it feel? Does it piss him off too? As he wiped the coffee off his hand, doomed to be sticky the whole bus ride, did he think to himself, bitterly; "Asshole."? Because if he did, I'm feelin' ya, dog.
So, when I talk about objectification, that's not what I mean. I don't condone that shit. In fact, would everyone please stop doing that to each other? It's inappropriate, rude, and in poor taste. It only augments your obvious stupidity and tackiness.
Nah, what I really want to focus on is male objectification in the media. Sure there have always been hunky matinee idols, tv stars, musicians and, before electronic media, swoon-worthy poets such as Byron, for example. But never have we, as a culture, had more opportunities to gawk at the lads. Cable and the internet, god bless them, have also afforded us the luxury of seeing men in a much more sexualized light, and more importantly, men we want to see in a sexualized light.
Let's face it, folks, mainstream porn has been bad to the guy-watchers of the world. If I had only seen Ron Jeremy naked once in my life, it would have been one time way too many. Like most women, I thought the only scenes worth watching in a mainstream, hetero porno, were the unavoidable girl on girl scenes. And even then, it's a craps-shoot (silicone makes me lose my wood). This, of course, was until I discovered gay porn.
Boy and howdy, can I give a shout-out to the men of gay porn for a moment? You guys rock my world.
In fact, I have gay culture in general to thank for giving us some fabulously objectifiable studs to objectify. Exhibit A? "Queer as Folk". I mean, who among us hasn't dreamed of climbing Brian like a tree?!
Now, I understand exactly why mainstream porn has such a bone(r) to pick with casting attractive men. The very definition of "mainstream porn" is synonymous with the phrase "purchased primarily by heterosexual men". In fact, that was the answer to an S.A.T. question, wasn't it? It certainly well fucking should be, because it couldn't be truer. And as comedian Margaret Cho once said; "God forbid some guy, somewhere, is watching a porno, and for a split second finds himself attracted to the GUY!"
Seriously, guys, don't be so uptight. Are you honestly saying that you can't bring yourself to watch a hot, sexy, wild young buck doing his thing in a porn, and at least for a second admit; "yeah, I'd let him blow me." It doesn't make you gay, you know. In fact, you should try it, it's fun.
Which is why I'd like to encourage all you men out there, straight or otherwise, to come and join us in objectifying men. The only way we can ever truly achieve equality between genders is if we all embrace the freedom to sexually objectify each other equally.
Yeah, if only it were that easy.
It seems like all this summer, men's anatomy has been more of a topic for consideration and debate than usual in my world. In fact, my best girlfriend and I were discussing Playgirl magazine only just the other night. We were trying to figure out what was so consistently dissappointing about it. Sure, sometimes there is an attractive guy, somewhere in there, that sets off all (or at least most) of the triggers that spell out "sexy" to me. But odds are I can achieve the same effect glancing through an issue of "GQ". As far as "Playgirl" being a "sexual experience" for me, though, it just ain't happening.
Hey, Playgirl! What's with all the semis? Don't you think we can handle seeing a full-on? Think we're scared? I get scarier things than erections free with my breakfast cereal, okay? Bring 'em on! And while I understand you guys are a bit funny about showing penetration, can you at least try to put the penis in a sexual context? A naked guy in a tool belt isn't sexy, it's hilarious. You might as well have these guys kneeling in front of a coffee table and just a-layin' it right there in a bowl of fruit, because its lost it's meaning for me as a sexual object.
Christ, can't you at least have them touching it or acknowledging it in some way? As I said to my best girlfriend; "Whatever! At least look at it!" and my friend chimed in; "Right! At least that way you know they're thinking about it." So, sadly, Playgirl, I haven't bought you since high school, because you fail to fit my minimal criteria for sexiness.
I could go on and on about how slighted women are as opposed to men in a million, everyday ways. Like $10 will buy you a three pack of men's tee shirts, but $10 will only buy you a two pack of women's tee shirts, and there's no "in your face" male sexuality in female-geared porn. Damn "The Man", and as much as it galls me, that's not what this post is about.
Another thing this post isn't about, but I can't help but share with you, is an unrelated snippet from the very same conversation I was having with my best girlfriend. I'm going to leave it out of context because I think it stands on its own...
"I'm extra crispy, you're extra juicy, together we'd make the perfect chicken."
What was I talking about? I don't even know where I was going with this anymore because I'm looking at the clock and thinking that "River's Edge" is coming on FLIX at 9:35 and "Queer as Folk" is coming on SHO at 10:00, so how am I going to moon over Crispin Glover on one channel, when I know in a mere 25 minutes Gale Harold is going to be on the other?!
It's a bitch, I tellya'.
Well, at least one point I'm trying to make is that objectification is not always a bad thing. Any really honest woman will tell you that you can use objectification to your advantage in certain situations. Who knows? If this whole male objectification thing kicks off the way I'm hoping it will, you guys'll get a chance to strut your assets to further your own ends. That should be fun for everyone involved.
And at the very least, maybe we'll now finally get a chance to appreciate male sexuality in a whole new light. Male sexuality is so often protrayed as directed at someone or something. Perhaps by turning men into sex objects, or at least, making the practice more widely appreciated, we'll get to see male sexuality "unplugged". As an energy living and breathing all on its own, independent of having to plug itself into anything to exist.
And I for one, think that's a fine concept.
posted by taiwan_on 'round 9:30 PM#